I hear what the doctors are saying. I know I should be fearful, worried or wrecked with grief. He could be blind, maybe deaf, have major speech problems, learning disabilities, emotional problems and perhaps even cerebral palsy. His brain has been bleeding. He has brain damage. The parts of his brain affected are most commonly used for speech, vision and emotions. I knew I should be scared to death. I have come so far to be a Mom. Seven rounds of IVF, a difficult pregnancy that ended too early…It was hard and I overcame so many things to get here. I should be crying and grieving for my son who may never have a "normal" life. I feel the anxiety creeping in, all the things I should be thinking or feeling knocking…but there is something stronger telling me "He can heal….things are going to be OK". I ask the doctors "But is there a chance this can resolve itself, the blood can be absorbed and he can be OK?" With grim faces one replies "We leave the optimism to the parents." "But it’s possible?" I ask. "We can’t say that" he replies. My next words aren’t a question, they are a statement "But it IS possible, it CAN resolve and he will be OK." I’m not listening to the doctors, I’m listening to the voice in my head and the knowing in my gut.
This is just one of many times during my journey to becoming a Mom that I had this feeling or knowing that things were going to be OK, when there was little reason to think so. Things did turn out OK but there were many times during that journey I sat crying, worrying, or screaming over what may or may not happen. I would let my worst fears take over and course through me. Every time I did this and let all those feelings flow out they were always followed by this voice....although it was more of thought or knowing than a voice....and I would be left sitting there feeling almost silly and think why did you just do all that to yourself, you know it's going to be OK in the end. But was it? Did I really know this? Was I just hoping it would be? I don't really know the answers.
I have thought hard on this and all I can say is I somehow knew or just believed through all the doubt to my very core that things would be ok. Some might say I had intuition. That my gut knew or that spirit was talking to me. Others might say I manifested it. That by continually thinking those thoughts of things being OK it actually made it true. Did I foresee a miracle or did I create one? Maybe it just happened for no reason at all and I just got lucky?
Learning about intuition and manifestation it has created many interesting questions for me. The biggest question is "How do I tell the difference between the two?" When setting an intention into the world am I just creating something or did that intention come from my intuition telling me what to create?
When I was around 20 years old, my Mom and I went to a local renaissance faire that had fortune tellers of all kinds. Intrigued we chose a woman who was casting bones to do a reading. Immediately after we went to a palm reader in a different area to compare readings. To test what they each said. Strangely enough both readers said very similar things for each of us. One thing that stuck with me is they both said that I would have a son and there would be some kind of trouble with the pregnancy. They both weren't sure exactly what kind of trouble but both told it would turn out OK.
I would tell this story of my reading many times over the years to people and that was always the main part I remembered from those readings. That I would have a son and have some sort of problem during my pregnancy that would turn out OK. So as I sit now pondering over intuition and manifestation when it comes to my son not having any lasting affects from his brain bleeding or any of the numerous other challenges he faced, I have to wonder did all of these problems get manifested into reality because I thought about what that one woman said for years? Did retelling it over and over make all this happen? OR did that woman just use her intuition and see what was to come? Did she tell me my future that day?
I honestly think it could have been either....or even a bit of both. I don't think our path is set for us but I do think we are here with a purpose and life will keep trying to direct you to that purpose. We have free will so we can always ignore or deny our path or purpose but I do think there is a lot of divine guidance happening that keeps us learning what we must to get us where we need to be. However, with this free will I think we were also given our own abilities to co-create our world and direct our path with intentions. Sometimes our intentions get put out into the world through our fears.
When I was about to give birth to my son, 8 weeks early, they gave me a choice to do a C-section or vaginal delivery. I said "I am worried if we do vaginal, I will get to a point of pushing and he will go into distress and I will get knocked out for emergency C-section and not be awake when he is born." They assured me they would know long before the pushing stage if he could tolerate delivery and could simply switch to an awake C-section. Guess what happened? Intuition or did I manifest that to happen as well?
I don't know if it was intuition that told me everything was going to be OK. I don't know if I manifested my son into being OK. I don't really know anything expect that whatever happened, it blessed me with a miracle and led me onto this amazing journey of self discovery. It changed my life. I marvel over these questions and it brings me joy to know there are so many mysteries in the world to ponder over. I believe that our minds and our universe are way more powerful and amazing than we give them credit for.
What do you think it was? Intuition, manifestation or something else entirely?